Yorkshin Psychiatric Hospital
by Girls In White Dresses
Summary: Asylum AU- He knows it, that this feeling is the same as last time in a dark alleyway saved by an angel, and he knows this ache in his heart all too well. The ache of longing and of a painful, head-over-heels love that he can't quite come to terms with, even after all this time. KilluGon
1. Water

**A/N: Hi all, I had this idea in my head for a really long time and decided to write it. Please enjoy :)**

 **Disclaimer: HunterxHunter belongs to Yoshihiro Togashi.**

* * *

Chapter 1: Water

He's under the water.

His breath floats by in rainbow-coloured bubbles, eyes blown open like windows in the rain. Shining hues pass by, soft and clear, shades of blue that remind him of picnics in the summer and laughter in the sun. The water slides across his skin as if it's silk, and a span of pinpricks of light are scattered above, almost like the night sky. Quiet and peaceful, a whole world on its own.

For a little bit, he isn't frightened; only curious. Weightless, his dark hair and green clothes float gently in ripples above him. He watches the sunlit water caress his skin and wonders why he's alone. And even though everything is beautiful, tranquil, he suddenly feels a sense of panic flooding him, like the water is seeping in through his skin. Slowly, he starts to feel the cold all the way to his bones, tracing an icy path through veins to his heart. He is cold, as if frozen shards are piercing his skin.

Then, something changes, so quickly, easily, like water bursting from a dam or overflowing from a glass. The water crashes around him, rushing into his mouth, his lungs, choking him. Light stolen away, only darkness, emptiness, left. His throat feels like it is swollen with water and he can't get a breath of air. He thrashes around, calling for help. Calling for someone, a boy he knows well, but only managing to choke on his name. Somehow, the memory of him fades just as he tries to remember more.

He is struck with a fleeting image; the boy has blue eyes, blue like the sky and the sea.

Darkness closes in on him, the water tight like a second skin, suffocating. Cruel, cold, unfamiliar. Unable to break the surface of the water's malicious grip, trapped.

The boy he knows, the boy that means the world to him, the boy has blue eyes.

He bolts upright, waking up, breathing hard like after a long swim, he can't quite shake off the terrible feeling of not remembering something important.

* * *

Gon's eyelids flutter like agitated butterfly wings, beads of cold sweat dripping down his forehead. He draws in more gasping breaths; he touches his arm and is relieved to be dry and warm and in bed. His lungs gratefully accept the parched air, feeling empty again. He tries to shake off his dream of drowning; the recurring dream he has had for as far back as he can remember. He hasn't had it for a long time, but last night's was the among the most vivid he had. He shakes it off as his mind being too anxious because today is the start of his psychiatry internship.

Today.

What time is it?

He grabs the clock on his bedtime table in a frenzy. 8:50 am.

Gon's eyes widen as he jumps out of bed, throwing on clothes and brushing his teeth hurriedly. Barely five minutes later, he bolts out the door with car keys in one hand and a slice of toast in his mouth.

"Bye, Mito-san!"

Mito-san's familiar face pops into view as she pauses in folding laundry. "Have a good day, Gon," she says kindly. "Hurry or you'll be late!"

Gon and Mito-san did not look alike. He was small and springy, with jet black hair and tanned skin and amber coloured eyes that sometimes looked golden in different lighting. She was tall and willowy, with beautiful pale orange hair cut to just above her shoulders. Thus, Gon had questioned whether she was his mother from an early age, but asking about it was difficult; he had decided that it didn't matter, that she was the only mother figure he'd ever known, and she would always be. And so Gon pushed thoughts concerning his parents to the dark corners of his mind, trying to forget about the nagging feeling in the back of his mind. The nagging feeling that he was missing something. And he was happy.

Gon drives as fast as he can, and manages to make it at exactly 9:05 am on the dot. YORKSHIN PSYCHIATRIC HOSPITAL, the massive white building reads in large block letters on the doorway arch. The brass front doors are sturdy and formidable. Gon gulps and adjusts his green and orange jacket, attempting to smooth down his unruly hair, but to no avail. His hair sticks up in spikes like usual. As a student studying for a psychiatry major, Gon had been referred by his professor for a summer internship at this psychiatric hospital, quite large and well known. Gon, growing up, was forever grateful to Mito-san for her scraping enough money and insisting that he go to university. He wanted to give back in some way, to show his appreciation to Mito-san as well as the world. He wanted to help others. So, choosing psychiatry felt like a natural choice in his mind. His professor had assured the internship would be a valuable and educational experience. Gon pushes open the doors and is met with a sight of clean white walls and patterned couches with a single fuzzy dinosaur carpet.

"Yo!" A rough voice greets him, and a man rounds the corner into view. He is a tall, well-built man with short black hair, sharp eyes and stubble on his chin. He is wearing a white coat, and underneath that, a neatly pressed indigo suit, crisp white shirt and turquoise tie. His spectacles are round and dark coloured. "You must be Gon! I'm Dr. Paladiknight! But just call me Leorio. I'm the main psychiatrist here at Yorkshin Psychiatric Hospital, and I'll be teaching you how to be an attendant during your internship here!" The man grins confidently, seeming cheerful and carefree. Gon smiles, noting Leorio's seemingly honest and straightforward nature, much like himself. "Nice to meet you, Dr. Palad-I mean, Leorio!" Gon replies, quickly correcting himself when Leorio shoots him a pointed glare. Leorio grins again. "Good! I'll start by introducing you to the patients you'll be familiar with. Come with me!"

Gon, not knowing what to expect, feeling excitement and anticipation, follows Leorio to a large room with a glass window. Inside, he can see three people. Leorio gestures to the boy sitting in the corner, his knees drawn up to his chest, a long blue tabard draped around him. "That's Kurapika. He's been diagnosed with PTSD (A/N: Post Traumatic Stress Disorder) and IED (A/N: Intermittent Explosive Disorder). His whole family was murdered a couple of years ago, and he witnessed the sight when he returned home from travelling, and had to call the police himself. He has recurrent anger outbursts, that are extremely aggressive and its provocations are still unclear. Strangely, his eyes turn scarlet when experiencing these anger outbursts. He also has a self-destructive and vengeful personality."

"That's Hisoka," Leorio continues, indicating a strong looking man wearing a magician or jester's clothes, with almost white skin, shockingly red-pink hair and a teardrop and star painted on each cheek. He is lying on the ground, smiling to himself while playing with a deck of cards. "He has sexual sadism disorder, which means he experiences sexual arousal from inflicting pain or suffering from others. He also has sociopathic tendencies." Gon is starting to feel a bit overwhelmed, but quickly shakes it off, telling himself this is a good learning experience.

"And finally, that's Killua," Leorio points to a younger looking boy on a chair, gazing into space with a bored face. "I think he's about the same age as you. He has BPD (A/N: Borderline Personality Disorder), haphephobia (A/N: fear of touch) and depression. He was sent here after he stabbed his mother and older brother before attempting suicide himself." Gon observes Killua's profile, pale-skinned and soft looking, cut only by the sharpness of his nose. His snowy white, almost silver hair floats around his head in an impossibly fluffy halo. Killua suddenly turns, and his eyes meet Gon's, and Gon is struck with the shade of deep blue, dark and fervent, like troubled waves washing up against sand on a late evening.

 _Beautiful._ The word pops into Gon's mind before he can control it.

Killua's intense stare disappears as he flicks his gaze away.

"Well, it's group therapy time, so this is a perfect time to introduce you! Come on," Leorio grins reassuringly and opens the door. "Hello everyone! I have a new person to introduce to you all! His name is Gon Freecss, he's a psychiatry student at Yorkshin University, and he's going to be here from April to August! Say hello!"

Kurapika remains unmoving, bowed head and blond hair covering his face.

Hisoka looks over and smiles widely, too widely, and his eyes gleam with alarming interest.

Killua scowls and rolls his eyes.

"Getting too old, old man? You need help from this kid?" Killua remarks, without turning to look at them.

"That's Dr. Paladiknight to you! And I'll have you know, I'm only twenty-six!"

 _What,_ seems to be the word written on everyone's faces except Leorio and Kurapika. Gon barely stifles a laugh at this.

"I look forward to doing my best here!" Chirps Gon, remaining cheerful and optimistic.

"Well, I've already introduced you guys to Gon, so we'll start with the activity. Please sit in the chairs provided," Leorio says. Killua is sitting in one already; Hisoka immediately gets up and does so, his interest peaked. Kurapika, however, appears unresponsive. Gon glances at Leorio and takes the opportunity to walk over to Kurapika.

"Kurapika? Let's sit in the chair for group therapy, okay?"

No response.

Gon kneels down until he is eye-level with him. Kurapika eventually shifts uncomfortably under Gon's stare, and he raises his head just enough for their eyes to meet. His eyes are blank and unseeing, in stark contrast with Gon's earnest and dedicated gaze. A few moments pass, and Kurapika gets up and walks to a chair, emotionlessly.

Leorio raises his eyebrows and makes a comment to Gon: "That's a good sign. He must be in a better mood. It's normally a hell of a lot more difficult to get him to look at you, let alone get him to participate. Don't worry, since it's your first day, I'll handle everything. You just observe. And should things get troublesome, leave immediately when I tell you to."

"Today's topic is 'Combating Negative Thoughts'," announces Leorio to the group, once everyone is seated in a circle. "First, let's share one negative thoughts and one positive thought about your day so far. Let's go in a circle. Killua, you start."

Killua reluctantly turns to face them. He still looks bored out of his mind.

"First off, I hate you. Second, this is completely pointless. Third, let me out of here so I can kill myself."

Before Leorio can say anything, Hisoka pipes up. "Why, Killua, how can you be so rude to the doctor? He even brought in a cute boy for us."

Did he just call me cute? Gon wonders, scratching his head worriedly and wondering if he should force a nervous laugh. But Hisoka suddenly jumps up and walks forward, extending a hand out to stroke Gon's cheek. "Hisoka, don't-" begins Leorio, but then all hell breaks lose.

" _Don't touch him_!" spits Killua, his eyes ice cold and narrowed. His aura grows dangerously dark, as he glares menacingly at Hisoka, who only smiles in amusement and stares back calmly. The atmosphere of the room grows extremely tense. Gon is confused; why is Killua so angry?

Kurapika stares at the wall.

" _Don't fucking touch him ever again, you sadistic pervy clown freak_!" Killua screams, his voice rising in volume as he stands up abruptly, knocking down his chair.

Leorio grabs Gon's arm, pulling him forcefully to the door and pushing him out. "I don't know what Killua's problem is, but things are gonna get nasty! Don't come in, and inform the lady at the receptionist table!" Leorio barks, worry flashing across his face.

Gon tries to protest, but the door is slammed in his face. Why would Killua even care so much? He thinks. They had met literally five minutes ago! The feeling, the feeling he was missing something, something important, comes back, nagging at Gon's mind. He pushes it away forcefully and shakes his head in an attempt to clear it.

This was not at all going how he had hoped.

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 **A/N: I was really surprised to find out that there was a disorder called Sexual Sadism Disorder, but when I found it I thought it was perfect for Hisoka! XD I don't yet know how many chapters there will be, but it will be a long running story. Also, I know that Leorio wouldn't be able to subdue both Hisoka and Killua, but in this AU he can so please bear with me XD I'd also like to answer reviews in the next chapter, as I think it's a bit nicer and easier than through PM. Thank you for reading and please feel free to leave a review if you like! :)**


	2. Memory

**Thank you so much to all my reviewers! A million sunshine cupcakes to you all ~**

 **Responses:**

 **Fairy Tail Bro: Thank you, first reviewer :D**

 **Guest: Thank you! I will try my best ^^**

 **K(Guest): Thank you, I'm grateful for your interest!**

 **shinlife (Guest): Thank you, that means so much to me! Thank you also for your review to 'Things Left Unsaid,' I was so touched by your kind words. I love Killua also, and I totally understand your pain for him, his only friend was destroying himself and he couldn't do anything to help, it was so sad. I remember watching that scene just in numbness, and then feeling the hit as the ending song was playing. We shall unite in our shared feels pain TT^TT thank you for such beautiful reviews.**

 **blahblahblah593: Thank you! I'm glad you like it so far!**

 **Ichtudirweh: Thank you, and yes haha, exploring the psychology behind things is always pretty interesting, especially with the interesting characters of H x H! Your english is very good as well :)**

 **solitaireseraphim.** **silvertaciturn: Thank you! Haha, Gon is so cute, but I look forward to exploring his dark side in fact :)**

 **Guest (second): Thank you for your interest :)!**

 **Thank you also to all those who favourited/followed: 0Eveely, clems0011, Tigerhiddeninshadows, Selicc, xXSpark**

* * *

Chapter 2: Memory

His body is limp, and he is clutching his stomach, coughing violently while a thin line of water drips down his chin. Water droplets adorn his skin like diamonds; he is strong, and perfect, even when dressed in rags and pushed to the ground.

They almost let him drown this time, Killua realizes, and an anger floods through him. Their eyes meet, and he stares at the boy's fiery gaze, symbolic of a fire that cannot be distinguished, even with all this water. Killua feels a strange thing- he almost feels adamant that he should protect this memory of a precious fire. A lingering warmth so rare in the emptiness of an ocean swallowing him up. He desperately holds onto that image, like a lantern in a tunnel, he holds onto it for dear life.

Now his turn. They push his head underwater, for too long, and he spits and coughs and his head is pounding but they still don't let him up for air. He sees darkness edging his vision, but he won't die now, he won't give up, not until he can escape.

Later, would be far worse, and as they lay at the side of the river, the boy says he likes the blue colour of Killua's eyes.

* * *

He may be beautiful, but he's _crazy_ , Gon reminds himself, as he watches through the window at Killua's darkened face, accompanied by the crashes of chairs being knocked down and Leorio's hard line for a mouth, shaking his head repeatedly.

"I'm trying to help you, goddammit," he hears Leorio exclaim loudly, but Killua acts like he doesn't hear and picks up a chair, bending the metal leg easily as if it's rubber. He tosses it aside furiously and it crashes into the wall with a deafening bang. Kurapika and Hisoka had been sent back to their rooms when Gon went to get help from nurses, and Leorio had been able to restrain Killua from attacking Hisoka, so Hisoka had been unharmed. However, Killua's rage at being held back was only increasing.

This is my fault, thinks Gon remorsefully. He needs to make it better, somehow, even without fully understanding. After a moment, Leorio opens the door, his face drained of energy.

"A common characteristic of BPD is having extreme mood swings," Leorio explains, rubbing his forehead with a weary sigh. "The only way to help him when he's like that is to talk out what he's feeling, to get him to understand himself," he continues. "But if that's going to happen, he needs you to speak with him. I'm sorry, I don't know what happened."

Gon immediately protests. "Leorio, it was my fault. It was me… that triggered him, somehow. I wasn't knowledgeable or confident enough in front of them," admits Gon, bowing his head in shame.

"Don't apologize, you're a student so how could you have known how to deal with them? Just be careful, and hit that button near the lightswitch if you need help," Leorio says. "You saw what he's doing to those chairs… you look like you're strong, but just be careful, and whatever you do—don't touch him," he finishes worriedly.

"Leorio, you're kind. Thank you, leave it to me!" Gon smiles and nods, while Leorio scrunches up his face disbelievingly and looks away.

Gon pushes open the door and closes it behind him slowly, all the while feeling a gaze burn holes in his back.

Killua stops throwing chairs into the walls and stares, his blue eyes empty and cold.

"Gon," is all he says, and Gon can't tell what emotion is behind his voice.

A good distance remains between the two of them. "Why did you get so angry?" Gon asks. "I wouldn't have let him do anything to harm me," he continues.

Killua looks pained, a peculiar expression, almost like a fish out of water. He breaks his gaze and continues to destroy the chairs, this time, breaking off the leg so that it's sharp edge is pushing into the skin of his pale arm, drawing bright red drops of blood.

"Killua, stop it!" Gon forces himself to go closer, but Killua doesn't stop. "It feels better," he says. "It feels better than this stupid pain in my heart."

"Stop it!" Without thinking, Gon jumps forward and tears the chair away from Killua, accidentally brushing Killua's hand with his own. He freezes.

A few agonizing seconds pass with Gon mentally preparing for the worst before Killua speaks. "You can touch me. I'm the one who doesn't have the right to touch you…"

Gon looks terrified, and sad, and confused, all at the same time, and Killua can't bear to see it anymore. "Leave, Gon," says Killua, and he turns away, cradling his head in his hands, silver-white hair in fistfuls wrapped around fingers. He suddenly looks very tired, with none of the explosive anger from before, and he crouches down and curls up. He looks so vulnerable, like the teenager he is, and Gon reaches out again before stopping himself.

Killua is connected to him, somehow, but he is connected to the dark parts, the dark memories, the memories he wants to forget—he wants to forget.

Gon is a cheerful boy, a happy boy, a boy whose mother is Mito-san, a boy who is here to help—

He doesn't want to know, he doesn't want to know about the boy with blue eyes.

* * *

 **A/N: Sorry, shorter chapter :C but that felt like a really good place to stop. Thank you for reading! The next chapter should be out pretty soon.**


	3. Hold my Hand

**Thank you to all my reviewers/followers/favouriters~ Ern Estine 13624,** **, Guest, Guest, FloralFlames, Part-Time Reader (Guest)**

 **Thank you to all those who favourited/followed~** **Ern Estine 13624, Goldenmaze, CrazyForGonAndKalluto (cute name), KetaCareBear, Laura Freecss, Naruto fandom, raymond868, 855**

 **(Sorry, I may have missed the notifications, which is why I didn't thank you guys earlier... so sorry/thank you!)**

 **I also realized I forgot to name my chapters, so I'll be going back and doing that ^^"**

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Chapter 3: Hold my Hand

"He said you could touch him?"

Leorio's face is incredulous as he peers at Gon over a tall stack of paperwork. Gon continues filling sheets of white paper with marks of an inky black pen and replies, "yeah, he did. After that, he wasn't angry anymore…."

Gon doesn't mention anything else, but stares at the paper in front of him, with only a slight tremor in his hand.

"Gon, you might be the solution I've been looking for ever since I dedicated myself to trying to help them," says Leorio, his expression serious, holding none of the lighthearted twinkle seconds before. "I thought it would be easy once I got enough money and my degree, I thought money could be the solution to everything I wanted to do in my life. But it's been a few years and I have only achieved a minuscule amount of progress. I was stupid to think I could understand them, but still, I keep trying." Leorio's voice grows with barely concealed emotion. "They were brought here on the same day… Someone found them, each of them alone, injured and bloody…. Someone found Killua in critical condition, he had so many wounds, too numerous to count, but the worst thing were his eyes, empty like a bottomless ocean. The first thing Killua said to me, he said, 'I want to die,' and I couldn't believe how cruel life could be to an innocent kid, and I wished so much that money could solve it. But I've since realized…Money can't mend a broken soul, as much as I wish it could. Since then, no one's come to visit them, not even once. They have no one to be there for them except me, and I hate myself for not being able to get through to them sometimes. So Gon, please, I know that you've been thrown into this, but somehow, you can touch Killua, you're the only one all this time, so please, help him. Help them."

"Leorio, are you crying?"

"No!" He sniffs loudly and wipes furiously at his eyes. "Hurry up and finish going over those orientation papers!"

Gon smiles slightly and obliges, but not without pushing the tissue box closer.

"I'll help them. It's a promise."

At lunchtime, the cafeteria lady threatens that the ones that don't finish all their food won't get their afternoon meds, and Gon sits with Killua and tries to force feed him spoonfuls of watery soup, staring down those icy blue eyes with newfound determination. He doesn't let any of them push away their food, even Kurapika, who starts crying, because Gon knows that he wants to help them more than anything he's ever wanted in his life. He won't think about those dark thoughts, the ones that make him scared to know more about them, that he's continually pushed to the back of his mind— he won't think about it, not until they all come flooding out one day. Because he made a promise.

The rest of the day passes uneventfully as Gon finishes his training with various staff members, signing various papers and memorizing all the safety procedures and protocol of the hospital. He doesn't see Killua, Kurapika or Hisoka again before his day is over and he must head home. No matter how much he attempts to distract himself, he still can't shake off the image of those blue eyes in his dream; those blue eyes are clear and refreshing, like cool paradise water, liquid, and free. But Killua's eyes are frozen ice; he has blue eyes that are so similar yet so different than the ones in his dream, and Gon can't help but wonder.

Something's changed, he knows it, and even Mito-san notices as they sit down for dinner and Gon stares at his plate of food with downcast eyes.

"Mito-san, what happened to my parents?"

The question cuts through the air, out of nowhere—Mito-san takes a second to comprehend what Gon has asked.

She stares at Gon, confused and a little bit scared, but Gon doesn't back down. He stares back with a resolve she's never seen before.

Mito-san opens her trembling mouth. "Gon, when I found you, you were drenched in water beside a river, shivering and coughing. You were spitting out water with your eyes squeezed shut, and when I got you to a doctor, you wouldn't wake up, but you kept saying things. You said your name, and your age, and you kept saying something—something about you being sorry, how much it hurt, and something about blue eyes. You didn't wake up for a whole two days—but when you did, you didn't remember anything about what had happened before I found you. You didn't have any memories at all, only your name and age… you forced yourself to forget because of how much it hurt. I didn't want you to be hurt like that… That's why, I took you home and started building new memories with you, happy ones."

Gon is silent for a moment, and many long agonizing seconds pass before Mito—san speaks again.

"Why do you ask now? You always said you didn't care about whether I was your mother or not. Gon, it doesn't matter, okay? I said we would always be a family, and that's all that matters, right?"

Gon nods his head, but his eyes betray the emotional battle inside of him. "It's because...I met someone today, someone who's connected to my forgotten memories. I don't know why… but I can't ignore him. I have to help him! Even if it means digging up the things I've tried so desperately to forget… I have to help him."

"Gon, we can do something else! It'll be easy to find another job for you, or maybe switch to a different field altogether, like accounting, or—"

"Mito-san, I can't ignore this. I can touch him, even though he's supposed to have haphephobia… I have the power to help him, so I have to. Just like you helped me!"

Mito-san stands up abruptly, bumping the table and nearly knocking down the vase of flowers in the centre. Her usually calm demeanor breaks, as she says, "You don't understand! I don't want you to remember anything! It hurt you so much that you had to force yourself to forget it, that you were almost drowned at a river, I don't want you to remember any of it! Just be happy! Be happy with me!" She chokes out a sob.

Gon remains sitting, but looks up with an intense gaze. "Mito-san, thank you. But I can't be selfish anymore. It isn't just about me… It's about the ones that need my help. I can't keep running away… Sooner or later, I'll have to face my memories. But until then, I can't be scared of learning the truth."

Mito-san doesn't speak, but sits down again, holding Gon's hand in a frightened but steady grip.

The rest of the night passes in a strained and heavy silence and Gon lays in bed, examining the lines on his ceiling and praying for a dreamless sleep. Suddenly, the cell phone on his table vibrates, and Gon quickly jumps up to answer it.

"Gon? It's Leorio," a panicked voice resounds on the line. "I'm sorry to call you so late, but I was hoping you could come right now," he continues. "I wouldn't call you unless it was an emergency, and well, one of the nurses said Killua was acting strange, and when I got here, there was blood all over his arms and he keeps asking for you. You might be able to stop him from hurting himself more," Leorio's voice betrays a hint of fear, despite his efforts to keep it calm.

"I'm coming right now," Gon replies quickly. He hangs up and quickly slips out the door, glad that the light in Mito-san's room is out.

When he gets to the hospital, the ward is in a frenzy; nurses rush back and forth and Leorio fights the crowd to get to Gon, clutching a first-aid kit, his knuckles white. He leads Gon to Killua's room, assuring that he would be right outside.

The room is dimly lit with one set of harsh phosphorescent lights that illuminate a small, rickety bed with metal posts, cemented to the ground and a barren table, adorned with a clipboard scrawled with medical terms and a liquid bottle of medication. Drops of scarlet red interrupt the otherwise white expanse. Killua doesn't sit on the bed; he sits in the corner of the room, small and broken, drawing harsh red lines across his wrists with sheer force despite blunt fingernails.

"Killua, stop it!" Gon rushes to the corner and tears Killua's wrists away from himself. He notices how painstakingly slim and fragile his wrists are; pale and bony.

"Gon, you came," says Killua, his eyes shuttering closed, letting his arms relax in Gon's grip.

"Killua, why are you doing this? I told you to stop before," Gon says indignantly, letting go so he can retrieve the bandages in the first-aid kit.

"I wanted to be alone with you," is his quiet answer. "They wouldn't let me be alone with you! So I had to—I wanted to be alone with you! Is that so bad?"

Gon doesn't reply but bandages Killua's wrists quickly and gently. He still avoids touching Killua more than he needs to, afraid that he'll unknowingly shatter some part of the fading and barely there boy in front of him.

Desperate to diffuse the tension, Gon blurts out the first thing on his mind, stupid as it may be—"Killua, your hair looks like marshmallows!"

"H-huh!?"

"Yeah, marshmallows. Or cotton candy, or something. It looks so soft. And yummy."

"H-h-huh!?"

Killua looks completely confused, and oddly flustered, shaking his head at the absurdity of the situation. He was a clinical nutcase, and everyone here thought he was crazy, and everyone here only talked to him about what he was feeling when he couldn't tell them what he was feeling because he didn't understand it himself—yet Gon had said something so strange and random that for a moment he forgot that he wasn't in a cold corner of a psychiatric hospital with bandaged wrists.

"A-Are you hungry or something?"

"Yeah! It's so late, you know."

"Um, want some chocolate?" He gestures to under the bed. "I stole some from Leorio's office when he wasn't looking!" He is somehow proud of that fact.

"I don't want the chocolate, but I wanna put the chocolate on you and eat your hair like a marshmallow!"

"H-huh!? You're so weird, you know," Killua laughs, short and strained, but it is laughter, and Gon cherishes it all the same.

Later, Killua wouldn't let go of his hand, even as he fell asleep.

* * *

 **A/N: Marshmallow scene was inspired by this adorable 'lil doujinshi called Kimi to Mitemiru Sekaichizu (The world map I see with you), the four-panel one labeled "Appetite"**

 **(Tried to put a link but it didn't work, is there a way to paste links?)**

 **I recommend people to read it~ it has really cute KilluGon moments. Thank you for reading this chapter! It was pretty dialogue heavy, but I'm happy with the plot development. I'll try to update weekly!**


	4. Broken Pieces

**What's this? An early update? :O**

 **I'm going to be without internet for most of next week, so I figured I'd get this done sooner. Thank you so much to all my reviewers/favouriters/followers, once again: MayIsSwag, Ern Estine 13624, solitaire (sorry it won't let me type out your full username for some reason), Ichtudirweh, Guest, boketto-muffin**

 **Thank you for all your kind words and support!**

 **Ichtudirweh, I totally agree about the doujinshi :D Also, a couple of you have been saying "Poor Killua" and I kinda feel bad now... because this chapter is pretty angsty for Killua. Although, do sexy emotional breakdowns make up for it?**

 **As always, thanks to my followers/favouriters: RedRaptor711**

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Chapter 4: Broken Pieces

Killua's still holding onto his hand.

His eyes are closed, long lashes curled against pale cheeks, and his face holds a tender sweetness that never surfaces when he's awake. Gon's fingers are intertwined in his, and when the confused boy tries to gently entangle them, Killua only holds on tighter.

Gon absentmindedly brings his other hand to brush silvery strands away from the sleeping boy's eyes, delicately stroking his ivory cheek. His skin is soft and smooth, almost like the feeling of cool silk slipping through fingers.

How can something so beautiful be so strong yet so fragile at the same time?

Gon stares at the wispy bits of hair still framing Killua's face, the wispy bits fluffy and downy and driving him crazy—he fights back the urge to keep stroking his hair like some sort of precious pet.

Killua shifts his head so that he nuzzles against Gon's hand, his bottom lip brushing ever so slightly against limp knuckles. Gon's stare is drawn towards his mouth, his lips—

No, no, he was not thinking about that—No, certainly not that.

Gon immediately draws his hand away and directs his gaze somewhere else, anywhere else, when Leorio's face peeks around the door.

Seeing that the scene before him is safe, the disheveled doctor with dark bags under his eyes continues to make his way to the bed. He seems somewhat irked and before Gon can stop him he yells at Killua's sleeping form.

"You brat! Do you know what time it is!? It's 2 frickin' am! People can't baby you all night! Have some consideration!"

Gon nearly jumps at the loudness of Leorio's shout, but thankfully Killua remains unmoving and serene.

"Shh! He's sleeping!" The adamant intern whispers as quietly but as forcefully as he can. And it's okay! I can stay—"

"No, you can't! It's not allowed, and Killua's acting immature! If you wanted someone to hold your hand, Killua, you could have asked me instead of dragging Gon here!"

One cold blue eye cracks open.

"Fuck off."

Ah, so he is pretty good at pretending to be asleep.

"You little—" begins Leorio, fuming, but Killua's glare is dangerously frightening even with one eye. It creates a taut and rigid atmosphere that Gon swears lowers the room's temperature by at least a few degrees. The overwhelming pressure of a heavy storm about to break fills the air around them.

Leorio, the target taking the brunt of the piercing tension, opens and closes his mouth several times before crossing his arms and muttering and sulking with an infuriated face written all over with seething rage.

"Rude, spoiled, pampered, mollycoddled, urchin, holy terror and devil—" the string of words vibrates and grows in volume with Leorio's angry mumbling under his breath. "No respect for elders, I don't know why I signed up for this job—"

Is he really a doctor? Gon has to ask himself.

Despite this, Killua lets go of Gon's hand, immediately missing the steady warmth and roughness and the feeling of human touch he hasn't felt for so long. He misses everything about it. He misses everything about the boy who doesn't remember anything about him. He finds he misses it so much he feels tears beginning to well up in his eyes—

What is wrong with him? Killua bites the inside of his mouth to give himself something more demanding to feel, and blinks away the tears angrily.

This doesn't go without notice by Gon, and he catches that fleeting moment in Killua's eyes, where the ice is melted for a second, and those eyes, those clear blue paradise water eyes—those blue eyes—

Those blue eyes in his dream.

Killua glances at Gon's frozen stiffness and curses inwardly. He turns his head away and rolls onto his side, curls up and faces the wall. "You should go home now," he says weakly, without emotion, dry and unfeeling. He squeezes his eyes shut and mentally berates himself for showing that tiny bit of weakness. After all, Gon deserves to be ignorant.

After that, he stops responding to either of them, and Leorio writes a reminder for more liquid Ambien and promptly entrusts tasks to the overnight nurses, yawning. Gon tries to say something, but finds his voice is stuck in his throat; he leaves, but not before drawing a fleecy hospital blanket over Killua's curled up body, to no response.

Killua still feels the lingering warmth of Gon's skin; even with the heavy amounts of sedation medicine, he discovers he still has the strength to clench his fingers into his pillow and scream into it.

* * *

The drive back home is a short one, and Gon gratefully notes that Mito-san still appears to be sound asleep upstairs. He crashes onto his bed in a daze, falling asleep before remembering to force himself not to think of blue eyes.

He dreams of water again.

But this time, the water isn't around him; it's inside him, drowning him from the inside out.

The water is dark, smothering, dense and impenetrable. The sensation is foreign and unpleasant; something crawling up inside—invading him—

He can feel it clenching his heart in a deadened grip, tracing chilling fingers deeper inside. It fills his stomach, his lungs, his throat, choking him, and he can't breathe again.

It tastes of blood.

And the bitter taste of iron, laden on his tongue, makes him want to vomit.

There is a boy beside him, a boy with blue eyes. The pureness of the blue is dimmed with pain and blood.

They're still there. They're still there, laughing and digging deep scars into the boy with blue eyes.

The boy's bottom lip trembles ever so slightly and his eyes get a little wider. The ruby flesh protrudes as he bites his lip, looking frightened and anxious. His blue eyes almost fill with tears, but he blinks them away rapidly, scattering tiny teardrops like iridescent crystals on pale skin.

Gon decides he doesn't like it when the blue in his eyes gets too watery, softening the clandestine stillness in those deep blue shadows, like the rush of a waterfall bursting down a cliff. He doesn't want that water to escape, or become shallow.

The ocean belongs in his eyes.

That's why—he'll never forgive them.

He'll never forgive them for making Killua cry.

Only one thought fills his mind like a flood—

 _Revenge._

Everything turns black.

He loves her scream, relishes her soft flesh and the oh so lovely crunch of bones beneath his fingertips.

Because she—because they— deserve pain.

They deserve to know how much it hurts.

She doesn't scream, so he keeps tearing into her. Blood splatters his arms, onto his face.

He wants to crush her, even beyond death.

When she ceases to move; when his vision clears and the rage slowly and weakly drains away, he runs to the boy, the boy with blue eyes, the boy he has to protect.

That's why—he'll never forget.

He'll never forget his anger.

He'll never forget his revenge.

Gon jerks awake, muscles spasming, he bolts upright. Breaking out into a cold sweat, his eyes burst open, straining and panicking in the darkness. The bitter taste of iron, laden on his tongue, makes him want to vomit, and it takes all the strength he has to run to the bathroom, retching.

* * *

Early in the morning, before dawn, the sedation medicine has worn off and Killua is once again a prisoner to his insomnia. He lies awake, listening to the bustle of nurses talking and phones ringing. He barely remembers the remnants of an Ambien-induced nightmare in which he was forced to relive some things he would rather not revisit.

His body aches from sleeping in such a curled up and clenched position, but he doesn't stretch and only forces himself to shrink even more into himself as he tries to get a few more precious hours of sleep before morning checks.

It doesn't happen.

Instead, he is stuck with his own thoughts and the sounds of Kurapika screaming as a Code One is called. Kurapika must be having another angry episode, where Killua can only guess that he will be dragged off for another round of Cognitive Behavioural Therapy and prescribed a mood stabilizer that they have not tried yet.

Morning checks! A tech bangs on his door just as he has started to drift off into sweet sleep and informs him that breakfast is in thirty minutes. Killua rolls over and groans in response before eventually getting up, brushing his teeth, running a comb through his hair (not that it made much of a difference), splashing his face with cold water and making his bed. He puts on his favourite baggy dark blue long-sleeved shirt and drags himself to the lineup in the hallways, before they are all paraded to the cafeteria.

Today is pancake day, which means most of the patients are in a good mood. They also serve scrambled eggs, potato hash and cereal in steaming aluminum buffet containers. He opts for a cup of what must be the weakest, wateriest black coffee in existence before being caught and reprimanded by a nurse who forces him to at least eat cheerios and milk.

He sits by himself at a table, because he _will not_ run the risk of being touched by someone, ignoring Hisoka's smirks from a few tables away.

8:30 am rolls around and it is community group. Kurapika isn't there so it's only Hisoka and him and a couple other patients that just arrived and which he's already forgotten the names of, and the rules of the hospital are once again discussed (only use the phone for 10 minutes at a time, bath buckets and utensils from the cafeteria are under no circumstances to be kept in your room, no towels or food in your rooms, no physical contact with other patients.) Someone complains that the showers are too cold, someone else cries about something that he can't even comprehend. Someone always cries during these meetings. He sets a daily goal (avoid Hisoka, avoid Gon, squish the spiders in the bathrooms and showers before Kurapika comes back, steal more chocolate from Leorio, do laundry) and is forced to explain why he is here to the newbies in a "bonding" session.

Flashback to overdosing on the sleeping medication in the medicine cabinet, sleeping for thirty-six hours, then stabbing "mom" and Milluki, then slitting his wrists, spewing blood all over the broken pieces of the furniture he'd also destroyed.

Most people, like him, are there for depression and suicide attempts, and a few with anxiety. 9:00 am and Leorio comes with Gon, although he sends Gon off quickly to run him some lab tests. Gon looks tired and a bit sick, and Killua immediately feels a twinge of guilt and worry but is helpless to do anything about it.

Leorio runs through the usual questions: do you feel like hurting yourself, how are you sleeping, how is your mood (yes, bad, depressed).

He prescribes Killua more Seroquel but doesn't change the amount of Ambien, scratching his head and sighing. Killua takes an opportunity to request something.

"Old man, can you please keep Gon away from me?"

"What? Why?"

"Well," Killua begins. "Obviously I acted stupid and now I can't lie and say I don't like him, but it's for his safety that requires him to stay away from me."

Leorio looks miffed. "Will you please tell me what's going on between you two?"

"Damn you, old man! Aren't you supposed to follow patient's requests?"

"Yes, but I won't follow your requests because you don't know what's good for you!"

Leorio glares, not backing down, and Killua is too tired and exasperated to have an argument. Instead, he asks, "What do you mean?"

"It's obvious! You're in love with Gon!"

 _Huh!?_

"Huh!?" Killua exclaims, echoing his thoughts perfectly.

"That's the obvious conclusion! You let him touch you, you look at him all the time—and don't deny it, I'm observant!—and you wanted to hold his hand!"

"Huh!? What the hell!?" Killua has to resist the urge to jump over and punch that stupid, smiling, smug look off Leorio's face.

"You've got BPD, Killua! You don't know how to handle these feelings because you have issues with relationships, so you react by trying to push him away!"

"That's not it—"

"Then why are you blushing!"

In this moment, Killua wants to kill himself. As per usual.

"That's not it! Look, I don't want him to be near me because it'll make him remember things, things that happened in the past, and he's forgotten everything right now, and he's happy right now! He deserves to be happy!"

Leorio shakes his head. "I'm still not keeping Gon away from you." He maintains eye contact, his gaze serious and dedicated, unwilling to give in. "You can't keep living like this, Killua. You still haven't forgiven yourself for whatever happened back then. So don't run from this! You can't live the rest of your life pushing away the one that means the most to you, because you're scared of what will happen! You've got to take risks sometimes. And Gon isn't a person who holds grudges. Talk to him! That's what relationships are about! You both make a mutual effort to work things out together!"

With that, Leorio stands up and heads for the door. "He's the only one," he states, looking over his shoulder.

"He's the only one that has the power to either shatter your heart again or mend the broken pieces back together."

* * *

 **A/N:** **That was angsty. But as you know, angst is my favourite to write XD Explanations, explanations for their past are coming soon, as well as more focus on Kurapika and Hisoka (haven't forgotten about them). I'm also writing this all based on research and experiences from other people, so hopefully I'm doing okay about the asylum setting ^^"**

 **Thanks for reading :)**


	5. Seeing Red

**Thanks to all my reviewers, Lilyglamstar123,** **boketto-muffin, Ichtudirweh, shinlife, Ern Estine 13624, Erin Pylant**

 **Responses:**

 **Lilyglamstar123: awww thank you, that's so sweet! It's super encouraging ^^**

 **boketto-muffin: ahh I'm so happy you're reviewing me ^o^ To answer your question, Killua only developed BPD/suicidal thoughts/depression/everything after the tragic horrible thing happened. Yay, I'm glad you got that reference! I was thinking of Pitou, definitely. And you shall see more of her :D Thank you! :))**

 **Ichtudirweh: More distressing things to come xD Thank you, have a good week as well :)**

 **shinlife (Guest): Thank you so much! You're so sweet :) Yeah, that quote is so badass, I had to put it xD KilluaxIkalgo #bromancegoals**

 **Ern Estine 13624: Thank you for your support~**

 **Erin Pylant: Haha, I'm not sure if rendering someone speechless is good or not. Thank you! :)**

 **Thanks to my followers/favouriters: Aqua Lilly, Hetaseven, MeyMeow, ThatWeirdGirlOverThere, chinomania, rakat14**

* * *

Chapter 5: Seeing Red

Kurapika thinks of himself as a calm person. Quiet, thoughtful, introspective. The world goes by in numerous shades of blue, green, brown and grey, muted and soft like the delicate paint strokes on a landscape painting. He thinks of himself as serious and stabilizing, the flat ocean on a windless day instead of the roaring waves in a storm.

But the truth is, he merely wishes he could be a calm person. In reality, he's the opposite; at least, ever since that day. Ever since that day, his heart has been in a frenzy of rage and red; despite his serene facade, he snaps in a single, unimportant moment—the world goes by in numerous shades of scarlet.

The day they came for him was like any other day, just another day out in the market with his brother Pairo.

At first, everything seems to be normal and ordinary. Kurapika lists off the merchandise they have bought, checking over everything as they prepare to head home. He likes the market; the way everyone is in their own little worlds, talking or buying or walking among the vendors as shiny or flashy things catch their eye. He likes that he can look after Pairo; keeping himself in charge of things, overseeing, keeping himself relaxed and unperturbed and completely focused on their task at hand. He likes to be in control of the situation, of his location, but most importantly, himself.

It all changes when they resort to petty insults that although petty, strike him right where it hurts—his pride—and he can't help but lose control. He supposes he saw it coming, when his vision suddenly darkens, rage-induced adrenaline consuming him. He never realized the world could look so red.

At first, it's like a flower, delicately opening its crimson petals across his line of sight, but it quickly grows and grows, so that everything begins to look unnaturally bright and sharp and clear. The world seems to move slower, far slower, and he is faster, far faster, a moment of superhuman sense and agility reached that had always remained locked away.

He never realized he could be so cruel.

But they talk more than they hurt, and it's a challenge, so Kurapika keeps on hurting them until they can only snivel at the ground. Pairo screams at him to stop, but he can't stop, because it's too addicting. Some part of him feels bad Pairo has to be in this situation helpless, but most of him feels glad that Pairo can't see his expression, how much he enjoys hurting them.

He's breathing heavily, and their blood runs more scarlet than anything else, and he likes that shade. He thinks it's the most beautiful sight he can see.

They come for him shortly after, with hooded cloaks. The one that speaks to him, he can see the ends of wavy, silver-white hair, a feminine chin and mouth, pale skin and a curling smile.

"What an interesting ability you have. And it makes your eyes so pretty," she speaks softly. "Isn't he perfect?" She asks the others with her, three more, all men. "He would certainly make a good test subject, yes," replies a man with a cold and chilling voice that commands power.

Kurapika shrinks backwards in the presence of these ruthless people, beginning to make himself calm down because he can sense that their bloodlust is even greater than his.

"You like killing, hurting people, don't you?" The woman grasps his chin, forcing him to look upwards. Razor-edged fingernails tear into his skin. His eyes meet ruby red that is somehow even brighter than the blood, blazing with intensity and heat. Ruby red eyes fringed with long, black lashes, the expression in them is malicious and insane. His anger melts away in the face of one even more unstable than he is. Kurapika feels himself shocked enough to calm down, his heartbeat returning to normal. Fear replaces anger.

He doesn't want to go with them. Because deep inside, he knows they will do far worse things to him than he did to the people who insulted Pairo.

"We'll give you strength. Enough strength to destroy anyone in your way. We might even help find a cure for that little boy's eyes," the woman continues, smiling and glancing over at Pairo.

Kurapika is frozen, and for a split second, he foolishly allows himself to believe that they can help Pairo. He is about to ask more when Pairo tugs at his sleeves and screams at him to run. He is jolted into action; he gets up and runs with all he has, carrying his blind brother.

They don't chase him, but are never truly gone—they come back for him, one day, in a mess of scarlet, a mess of white hair and sharp claws and red skin and narrow eyes and a pointed scorpion stinger among the dead bodies of his family.

Pairo looks peaceful, even in death. His eyes remain unseeing.

Kurapika sees red.

And he continues to see red, only red, long after the massacre has only become a terrible nightmare that haunts him even when he's awake.

They tell him a lot of things, about life, about war, about the thrill of having blood on your hands and face. They stretch him out on the table, trying to find out what makes his eyes _so pretty_ , as she calls them, _pretty._ She says that his red eyes look just like hers, when he's angry. They say they need someone like him, that he just has to endure a little bit of pain before he can become strong.

He's like the perfect test-subject that they always wanted.

It takes a while for him, down in that dark cave with puppet strings cutting into his flesh and that woman standing over him, to gain enough perception to realize that there are others lying on surgical tables beside him.

There is a boy with blue eyes, who might be even more messed up than he is, and later (he doesn't know how long) another boy arrives, one with spiky black hair and tanned skin and eyes that burn, but never with hatred. Their names are Killua, and Gon, and he holds onto these names as a last lifepost to separate his scarlet nightmare from reality.

Kurapika thinks Gon might be slightly similar to him, connected by rage. But the boy with the black hair does not resent anyone; not even the ones that force his head underwater and inject him with all sorts of painful and wild animal genes. The boy with the black hair only resents himself.

Gon can't handle the guilt of his own weakness.

Kurapika realizes this kind of anger is different from the one that makes him see red, and so do they. So they make sure to hurt Killua, in front of Gon, because Killua is special to Gon and it is the one thing that will break him.

Their goal is to break people, so that they can be powerful, mindless soldiers to be tested on.

She never lets him calm down. She likes making him angry the most.

She takes her time with Killua. She likes touching his half-healed scars the most.

She leaves Gon mostly unharmed. She likes breaking him the most.

* * *

It is 10 am in the hospital and Kurapika comes back after a fit of screaming after a tech accidentally stepped on one of his shoes during morning checks. He feels remorseful, as he always does after an outburst, and his mood is melancholy at best. He remembers the new intern Leorio brought with him.

"Is it the same Gon?" He asks Killua, who is reading a kids picture book about an electric cat named Sparky during free time (A/N: I have no idea where this came from I think I've been reading too many Tumblr posts about HxH and Pokemon Go). "Is it really the same Gon?"

"Yes," answers Killua without looking up.

"He's so different."

"He's not," says Killua. "He's happy."

"What are you going to tell him?"

Killua closes the picture book. "Nothing."

"They'll find us one day. It's only a matter of time," states Kurapika seriously, sitting down and drawing his knees up to his chest in a defeated motion. "The one that they want is him. How will you protect him?"

"I'll do… Whatever it takes. And if I have to make him hate me to protect him, then I'll make him hate me."

Kurapika is silent. He runs a hand over his face in an exasperated motion. There are still tinges of red at the edges of his vision, and a headache is pounding in his skull.

"I'm going to sleep."

 _He's the only one that has the power to either shatter your heart again or mend the broken pieces back together_.

Leorio's words echo in Killua's mind as he looks up at the ceiling. 11:30 am and it is process group with Gon, as an assistant and a bunch of social workers. Leorio is off doing whatever, already leaving Gon to fend for himself. Gon looks adorably determined but slightly nervous and Killua finds himself trying to find an excuse to stare at him unnoticed. Today's topic is "Combating Fears" and they do an exercise called "Fear in a Hat" where they have all patients write down personal fears on a piece of paper and collect them all into a hat. They have each person randomly select a fear, read it aloud, and explain how the person might feel. They force Kurapika to participate but are not able to prevent him from falling asleep halfway through. Hisoka amuses himself by writing something so disturbing that the patient that gets his refuses to say it out loud and nearly faints. Several people cry before even writing anything down and another person launches into a completely off-topic diatribe about the importance of traditional medicine before a social worker politely cuts him off.

Killua wears a look of impatient annoyance and when the debacle is finally over he jumps to the line for lunch with relief. It's pizza and everyone cheers except him. He hates pizza. In fact, he hates everything except chocolate. Kurapika doesn't eat anything and escapes back to his room which leaves Gon to sit by either him or Hisoka and _good lord_ he will not let him sit by Hisoka.

So Gon ends up sitting by him. Sitting way too close.

And Killua knows the lingering warmth in his face means he is blushing and he doesn't know whether he'll die from too much blood going to his head or die from the poisoned cardboard they call pizza. And with this, he decides it's much better to end it himself. And they wonder why he's suicidal.

However, Gon has a serious expression as he cuts Killua's pizza up into smaller pieces and decorates it meticulously with parmesan in an attempt to make it look more appetizing. "Killua, why can I touch you? Is it because we've met before?" He asks. Killua wills his stupid blush away and steels himself into getting rid of all the warm, fleshy feelings inside his heart and throat threatening to spill out.

Gon's eyes are light, and it reminds him of countless days spent in that dark cave with the metallic tang of his blood and the stinging pain from whatever torture method she wanted to try next. She wouldn't stop touching him, touching him, carving different designs into his skin with those disgusting fingernails, saying she wanted to make his pale skin completely red.

She wouldn't stop _touching him_.

But what kept him sane in the darkest moments was Gon, Gon's voice promising that they would get out together. That Gon would find his parents who abandoned him and Killua could come with him and away from his smothering family.

His family.

Illumi liked touching him too.

He won't think about that. He'll force himself to open his eyes, to find that light in the darkness, the light from Gon's eyes. Gon is here.

If Gon knew about everything, he wouldn't be able to deal with the guilt. He'd give himself up in exchange for helping Killua.

Gon could trade his life in a heartbeat for those he cared about. But he'd never allow anybody to do the same for him.

And Killua decides, he won't give Gon a chance to allow it this time.

He whirls around, willing himself to look furious and cold-hearted. "No. We haven't met before. And just because you can touch me, it doesn't mean anything. I don't care about you at all! So stop looking at me like you think we're friends or something!"

Killua's eyes are cold, and Gon can't find that cool paradise water anymore. It's all frozen.

But he needs that water to survive. He needs it to survive, among the fire and darkness of the memories he wants so desperately to forget.

But it's all frozen.

The worst possible thing happens next.

Hisoka places a hand on Killua's shoulder to see what is causing all the tension.

All hell breaks loose for the second time in less than 48 hours.

"Don't touch me..."

" _Don't…..fucking….touch me_!"

Killua grabs the collar of Hisoka's shirt and pizza and plates and drinks go flying.

Gon is in the corner of his eye, his expression hurt and afraid.

Killua feels the bones of Hisoka's nose breaking under his fist in a sickening crunch, but he doesn't stop.

His hands are stained with blood, but what hurts the most is Gon's horrified expression.

 _If I have to make him hate me to protect him, then I'll make him hate me._

* * *

 **A/N: So, Hisoka had to ruin everything...again. It's so fun writing him like that though.**

 **I love Killua so much. He's such a rude and rough little brat but he has a huge soft spot for Gon and he's a genuinely kind and self-sacrificing person... the way he throws around tough-guy words like changing "oi/ai" endings to "ee" in the anime is so adorable I just want to squish his cheeks even though he'd probably stab me... he's like a deadly 'lil ball of fluff. I've been reading a lot of posts on Killua's speech patterns and its actually so amazing how rude he is XD while Gon is just like so polite "Killuaaaa!" I wish it was more apparent in the English sub, now I feel like I have to watch it all over again just to pay more attention to the Japanese. Also, I know I'm ranting here BUT that scene in English sub when Gon asked Killua if he'd ever been on a date and Killua is like of course not I've been with you the whole time then he looks all sad and thinks "and I really don't want that to change" THAT WAS DIFFERENT IN THE MANGA TRANSLATION AND IT BROKE MY HEART ALL OVER AGAIN BECAUSE IN THE MANGA HE SAID "and the truth is, I want to be by your side, always..." IT HURTS MY HEART SO MUCHHH! WHY, TOGASHI, WHY, YOU CRUEL, CRUEL MAN.**

 **Ok sorry that was a rant but thank you for reading this chapter and let me know what you think :)**


	6. Pain

**Apologies for the very late update :( School has been so busy ahh but I finally got some time to finish this chapter up.**

 **Thank you to my reviewers! It really helps motivate me to write this story XD**

 **Responses:**

 **Shinlife: omg, thank you, I'm so glad you liked it! Whoa, that quote is so meaningful, it really captures the essence of Killua's character that I'm trying to portray. In fact, I'll keep that in mind when I write and I think it'll help me become more inspired :) Thank you!**

 **Ern Estine 13624: Thank you!**

 **Guest: Thank you! I'm sorry for not updating fast T^T but I'll do my best!**

 **Hetaseven: Thank you for the encouragement. Haha, I'll be sure to write more angsty Killua just for you ;) Ah I'll definitely get into more of Hisoka! This chapter is all KilluGon but the next chapter will definitely explore Hisoka.**

 **BriSpree93: Yay, thank you !**

 **MayIsSwag: Thank you :D**

 **boketto-muffin: Haha thanks guest! Jk XD I'm so happy/grateful for your compliments~ I hope this chapter will answer most of your questions XD Ah sadly I don't know Japanese (I WISH) I just spend way too much time rewatching HxH and researching different opinions/analysis of certain scenes, and I also search up a lot of Japanese phrases I hear XD. Haha yes, and I also found out that in the manga Killua asks Gon if he can go with him to Whale Island but in the 1999/2011 version it's Gon asking Killua XD Thank you again! ily and your reviews !**

 **Guest: Thank you ^^ I'll do my best to continue.**

 **Thanks to my followers/favouriters: hinamarie, rakat14, izzycat6, natejb16, Spooky ghost flower, Meirajen, MeyMeow, Liedes, Jade The Angel, HyakoRosaLavemone, Aqua Lilly, Crestfallen Kitten (ahh IM A HUGE FAN OF YOUR WORK thank you) (sorry if I missed anyone I'm rushing to type this up)**

* * *

Chapter 6: Pain

The nurses are on him in a split second—they scream out Code One, and he is tackled to the ground amidst a pile of fleshy bodies. He feels their touches like worms slithering under his skin, the way he can't shake it off, can't escape it. He hates being touched. He hates the disgusting feeling of something crawling under his skin. He hates the lingering warmth, revoltingly lukewarm like spoiled milk. He hates the repulsive feeling of vulnerability. He hates it all. It makes him sick.

The colour of his eyes sink into blue-black, a sea of ink and darkness. He wants to hurt someone. Something. His foot connects with a soft body, the snap of something breaking sickeningly loud as he sees the blood seep through. Time slows down, and the world goes by in a haze of pulsing hurt, flashes of colour blinding him. Shapes veer off into space, voices become distorted in rolling waves among the shadows. Blood feels grainy beneath his fingertips, breath silent, his eyes slide closed halfway. The air is heavy, like syrup.

He's a little boy again, standing over his first kill in a dark alleyway, and he doesn't feel the pain, yet, only sees the harsh black of his brother's stare and the blood shining brightly in the darkness. Illumi congratulates him coldly.

Killua feels the hard tiled floor rushing up to meet him, squares of blue and white looming up in slow motion, and the air from his lungs is knocked out from inside, eyes squeezing all the way shut when his cheek burns and he feels his arm being twisted forcefully behind his back, pinned down with the weight of several people trying to restrain him. Trying to restrain him, tying ropes around his wrists that cut sharply into his skin.

He's a little boy again, and his hands drip with thick blood, and the man whom he has killed has open eyes, open but glassy. He has a gaze that is so utterly empty, yet so unforgiving. Their colour is somewhere between a muddled grey and brown, blank and haunting. His gaze is accusatory.

You monster.

He still remembers the face of the first man he killed. He sees it every time he looks in the mirror, at a monster in the form of a pale and sickly boy, and the man is always standing behind him, as a dark silhouette. Breath hot in his ear, he whispers.

Killua feels a lifeless grip digging into the skin of his shoulder, the pain a dull throb, and the man never leaves. Sometimes, the dark purple half-moon bruises of fingernails are visible around Killua's neck. The man crushes the breath out of his throat in the night. The man watches Killua washing his hands, in a sink filled with blood, overflowing with blood, streams of heavy, warm and sticky red blood staining what once was pure and white. Killua can't wash it off. It stains, no matter how hard he scrubs.

He's a little boy again, and he's crying in the dim moonlight, scrubbing his hands so hard that the skin breaks and he bleeds, blood, again, always blood, always blood on him, and he screams to the man, go away, go away, please.

Please.

He wants to die here, cold and alone, because the pain is too much for even him. But he doesn't, no matter how hard he wishes. It takes a lot to kill him nowadays. Illumi made sure of that. He resigns himself to lying on the dirt, face pressed against rough pebbles, waiting for the courage to end it all. He doesn't know how much time passes before he suddenly and unexpectedly feels something different, something that isn't pain or ache.

He's a little boy again, and he remembers white bandages wrapped around his wrists, cradled in a warm embrace like a broken doll. The cloth of a shirt is soft as silk against his cheek. The warmth is so unfamiliar, but it's a nice feeling, so nice that Killua thinks it might all just be a feverish dream. But someone has really come to save him, another boy, one that lives and breathes in warm heartbeats.

The boy smells of clean, of pine and cedar, firewood burning steadily in a house on a winter night. His warmth is like a fire, too, warm like blankets and mugs of hot chocolate and Killua sinks into the comfort of a soft quilt, feeling bliss soft as downy feathers brush gently over him. Summer opens up before him, a warm, lulling bath, seeping through his skin and tracing a tender burning path all the way from his veins to his heart. This boy must be an angel, he decides, an angel to take him after death. He doesn't mind this at all. Drops of water suddenly fall on Killua's face, and at first he thinks it might be raining, but through his blurry half-opened eyes he realizes the boy is crying.

Why are you crying? He wants to ask.

 _Angels don't cry,_ is his last thought.

He closes his eyes, and breathes out one last time.

 _Killua!_

"Killua!" Gon calls out frantically, and the silver-haired boy jolts back into reality, his unfocused eyes focusing again on Gon's worried and tear-streaked face. He feels the coldness of a hospital wall against his back and a ring of nurses and techs standing around, murmuring, staring, tense. His knuckles still sting with pain and blood, scratches around his wrists.

Why are you crying?

I'm not worth crying over….

Gon reaches out, without warning, and drags him into a hug, arms sliding over his shoulders, wrapping around his neck, pulling him in tight, crushing his ribs. Their chests pressed together, Gon's heartbeat is warm and steady, and Killua takes in a gasping breath as his senses forcibly sharpen and pull him even more firmly into reality. Feelings flood him, sight, sound, smell, touch, and he is all too aware of the soft and silken skin of Gon's face buried into his shoulder, the smell of pine and cedar and the throbbing pulse of heat through his thin shirt.

He hates being touched. Except by Gon. When it's Gon, it's not so bad.

This kind of warmth is different. It's an insistent, heated warmth, aching yet comforting in the best possible way. It reminds him of savouring last bites of chocolate, the sunset, the way your heart aches when you yearn for something you can't have.

He knows it, that this feeling is the same as last time in a dark alleyway saved by an angel, and he knows this ache in his heart all too well. The ache of longing and of a painful, head-over-heels love that he can't quite come to terms with, even after all this time.

"Killua, it's okay now. It's okay."

Gon moves his head to peer worriedly into Killua's eyes. Killua's throat seems to swell, and the air suddenly feels dry and crackly, and he can't breathe. He wants to grab fistfuls of the front of Gon's shirt, and shake him, shake that trusting and loving gaze out of him. He wants to ask, why don't you hate me? Why don't you see how broken I am? Someone like me doesn't deserve to be with someone like you. You have every right to hate me. You _should_ hate me.

"Killua, I remember some things. I remember good things. I remember bad things. And I… don't know why I forgot it all. All I know is, you've been in pain for a long time. And I...want to remember more! Everything… that happened. If I remember everything, I can understand. I can help you. So...please tell me. Please… don't be alone anymore."

That warmth is there, that insistent, heated warmth, drawing him in and melting Killua's heart despite his best efforts.

Sitting there, Killua can't help but feel angered at his own weakness.

But…

Maybe, just maybe, he can let himself be that little boy in the moonlight again, cradled peacefully by an embrace.

Killua sighs, letting himself relax in the warmth of summer sunshine. His arms come up around Gon's waist, trembling,wanting to be closer, closer, but before his grip can tighten, Gon lets go. "So, will you tell me? Everything?" His voice rings clear amidst the murmur of hospital sounds. He withdraws, putting distance between them, sheepishly rubbing the back of his head in a shy manner, silently apologizing.

Killua freezes, arms holding empty air awkwardly before he quickly puts them down.

"Everything?" He asks with dread.

"Yes," Gon replies, staring earnestly at him. Killua absentmindedly focuses on the light in Gon's eyes, the richness of earthy brown, the slope of his nose, the smoothness of his skin and the delicate planes of his cheekbones, an angel's face. He wonders if it's considered normal to experience this kind of thing, where the little, tiny, platonic things about a friend snowball into a swelling of overwhelming, random, romantic feelings that threaten to burst out at any time. Out of all people, he wonders why it has to be this boy in front of him, an innocent and clueless boy that would probably never realize, nor reciprocate, the extent of Killua's stupid feelings.

When did it start? It seems like it's been like this for a long time, ever since they met, because it feels like he has been staring into a brilliantly blazing sun since forever, since when his world began, unable to look away.

"Killua? Are you okay?"

"I-" _love you._ "I'm just a little tired," he smiles weakly.

Back in his room, the explanation starts. He gets bandages for his injuries for what seems like the billionth time. Dreading but accepting, he begins recounting everything that has happened.

* * *

"I remember, I remember," Gon mumbles, staring into space. It was a moonlit night, and Killua does his best to describe it in the most concise way possible, recounting events that don't betray the significance of them in his heart.

"I remember, you were an assassin! An assassin!" Recounts Gon, his interest apparent. Killua buries his face into his pillow. "If you keep interrupting me, I won't be able to start again," he mumbles. Gon apologizes and puts on his best listening face. The story begins…

* * *

It's a moonlit night. The assassin wakes up in a dimly lit hospital room, remembering angel's tears. He bolts upright, eyes straining in the darkness until he finds the angel's sleeping form slumped on a chair. Up close, he realizes the angel looks to be about the same age as him, and in a very realistic human disguise. He's even mastered the art of snoring quietly like a human. Spikes of dark hair are mushed against his cheek.

An eye cracks open at the sound of rustling blankets and the angel wakes up and grins at Killua.

"Is this heaven or hell!?" Blurts Killua, holding his blankets in defense.

"Um...what?" The angel blinks once, twice. "This is a hospital."

"You mean…." Realization dawns on Killua. "I'm not dead?"

"No way! I'm glad I found you in time." The angel grins again, enthusiastically. He looks so much like a human boy that Killua finally puts two and two together and a possibility creeps into his mind. Could this angel… just be a regular boy? A regular boy that saved him?

"How did you find me?" Killua asks.

"I was on my way back to where I live and I was taking a shortcut and I found you! Are you okay? How are you feeling? Are you hurt anywhere?" The angel—boy looks concerned, amber eyes serious.

Killua wants to die from the embarrassment. Thank goodness he didn't address the boy as an angel out loud.

"But why did you save me?"

"Why wouldn't I?" The boy looks genuinely confused. "You seemed really distraught. Are you feeling better now?" His voice is kind and soft.

"Yeah… I am."

"Will you tell me your name?" The boy smiles excitedly.

"It's Killua."

"Killua," the boy repeats. The name sounds nice, when he says it. "I'm Gon!"

Killua manages a faint smile before everything goes black.

The next time he wakes up Gon is peeling an apple and cuts it into wedges, handing Killua pieces to eat. "You must be hungry," says Gon. "They wouldn't give me what I asked for, so I had to pinch it," he laughs awkwardly and apologetically. "But- I usually don't steal!" He looks worried, like he's afraid Killua won't be happy with it.

"Do you… live by yourself?" Killua asks, gratefully accepting the apple.

"Yeah! Well, I don't where my parents are." Gon lowers his eyes and stares at the floor. "I've been living by myself for a while now. What about you?"

"Ah…" He didn't want to go into that, but he felt that telling the truth was the least he could do to repay Gon's kindness. "I come from a family of assassins, the Zoldycks, so I'm an assassin. I just finished with a job, so, yeah…." He trails off, realizing how absurd it sounds. Surprisingly, Gon doesn't laugh and accepts this information seriously. "They must be worried about you! Sorry, I took you away, you must have to contact them!" Gon looks around. "I think there's a phone here—"

 _No._ "No. No. It-It's fine," Killua stammers. _I'm never going back._

Besides that, Gon didn't even bat an eye at the mention of him being an assassin. No judgement, no fear, no anything. Just an acknowledgement of the truth. That's never happened before. Is this kid crazy? Killua thinks to himself.

"How old are you?" He asks. "I'm twelve years old!" Gon replies proudly. Twelve years old and living on the streets by himself, Killua muses. "I'm twelve, too," he says, and Gon smiles happily.

That was how they met. It was a moonlit night.

They spend a while together, after checking out of the hospital. Neither of them have any money, even Killua, whose older brother and father were still the only ones who had access to the Zoldyck fortune. Despite this, payment is waived as soon as Gon turns on the full force of his puppydog eyes. That, coupled with Killua's ability to sweet-talk himself out of any situation, helped them escape from the hospital scot-free.

It took time for Killua to become accustomed to Gon's harsh life. He was never any less amazed at how optimistic and bright Gon was even living by himself, the threat of poverty and starvation, living in the wrong part of town. Things that he had taken for granted all his life, Gon struggled for endlessly. He was used to a warm house and food and all his necessities met above and beyond. But spending time with Gon led him to appreciate the simpler things in life. He found he didn't mind living this way at all. He wouldn't mind anything, as long as he was with Gon. Gon made everything fun, and exciting, and cool.

Even fishing.

They spent nights talking, both light and serious conversations. Gon eventually told him about his parents abandoning him, and Killua eventually told Gon about Illumi and all his brothers and his parents. But they mostly didn't talk about that. They didn't talk about what they had been through. They talked about chocorobo-kun, fishing, the mountains, the sun, their future plans, who was stronger, who was faster, who was better at pillow fights. Killua laughed alot, more in that time spent with Gon than in his whole previous life.

Two years passed. He wished it could have lasted forever.

They found him.

Illumi hadn't changed at all. His stare still burns holes in Killua's back, but this time he brings a harsher punishment for Killua's neglect of his family responsibilities.

"Killu, I let you run off because I knew it would be easy to find you later. I wanted you to get through your rebellious phase, to burn off your curiosity for these things called… _friends._ Now, it's time for you to resume training as a true Zoldyck. And I have the perfect way for that to happen." Illumi smiles, but his smile doesn't reach his eyes.

He steps aside, and a hooded figure emerges from behind, giggling softly. "Ah, he's perfect! I've always wanted to experiment on a Zoldyck. They're just so, fun! And oh, there's another with him! What an adorable pair of boys. I'll have so much fun."

 _You don't need things called friends._

 _You're an assassin. You kill._

 _Assassins don't have friends._

Killua feels the freezing touch of dead hands cup his face. The touch chills him. So unlike Gon's spontaneous hugs, his playful punching, pouting when Killua flicks his forehead. So unlike Gon's warmth.

 _Gon._

"You don't have a heart, Killu," Illumi whispers. "You don't feel anything. You're a natural-born killer. Because that's how father and I raised you."

 _No._

He should have protected Gon. He should have left Gon. Because now, Gon would be hurt because of him. When all Gon had done for him was show him the light, he could only show Gon the darkness.

It turns out electricity was only the beginning. They seemed to like water just as much.

Lying beside Gon, coughing and spitting water, while she laughed and giggled and kept on touching him, touching him, Killua watched Gon fall into darkness.

And the worst part was, it was all his fault.

All his fault that Gon had to go through so much pain, so much suffering, so much that it drove him to become something dark, something frightening, just so he could protect Killua.

No more teasing each other.

No more laughing until their stomachs hurt.

No more stupid hugs and pillow fights and Gon's adorably innocent and random questions and affectionate gestures.

No more sleeping curled up next to each other on rainy nights.

Only…

Pain.

* * *

 **A/N: Sorry I rushed it a bit at the end because I really wanted to get it done and I have homework to do after T^T Next chapter will be in Hisoka's perspective for sure, I wanted to put it in this chapter but I have no time :( so don't worry, I'm almost done developing the Killugon relationship in this story! Thank you for reading, see you soon!**


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